In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
