Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
