i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
