I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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