I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Vodka?
Forever.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
