I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Randomize
