I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
