Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
