I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
