conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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