You smell like stripper and shame
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
