slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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