Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
