I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I could make wine with my vomit
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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