Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
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