Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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