After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
