and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize