How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
