nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
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