Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
