Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
