You can't special order awesome
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Dick very happy bro
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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