sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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