Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
