She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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