why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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