these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
