White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize