Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
