burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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