You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Randomize
