just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
