I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Randomize