i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
being pregnant is like rehab
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
