I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I just want to make out with him forever
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Randomize
