I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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