I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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