idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
