I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm too high and old for this...
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
