It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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