The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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