I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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