Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
