um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
