happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
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