Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize