also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
