I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Randomize
