allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
