He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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