it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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