He disabled his match.com account in front of me
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
