Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
