she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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