The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
