The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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