Can i not drive my cunt home
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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