I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
