Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
