I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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