so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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