I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
