I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
