My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
