He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
